I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
