His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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