I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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