You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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