In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
