Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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