and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
