The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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