We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
ttyl tear gas
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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