Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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