Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
