and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
