Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
