apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
