When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I want her autograph on my taint
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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