apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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