Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
