she woke up with a sticky ear
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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