if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
well most of my day revolves around power hour
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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