I wish I could teleport
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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