There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
