Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
