mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
