thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
