Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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