I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I don't deserve a penis
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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