I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
