two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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