Don't make out with my wife yet
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
