You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
