I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
