remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize