Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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