Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
