if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
