I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
