the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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