I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
