plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
