Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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