all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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