If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Sorry about my life...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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