No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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