Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
