What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
