Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
