everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
