That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
