you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
