felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
