i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
