I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I love you. Go after that dick
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
