conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
