so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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