As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
